(Forward from the author; It’s Wednesday. Usually I re-read these on Wednesday, clean them up a lot, realize where there are holes and put “TK” there because “tk” doesn’t happen in the English language and you can ctrl-f it and get right back to the spot you need at any point. But tomorrow is game day. I don’t have time for that. I’m going to work now, this is unedited. There will be mistakes, there will be grammatical errors, and with any luck, there will be upsets by the end of tomorrow. I also really, really despise the team we are playing tomorrow.)
(Forward Part 2: Net Neutrality forces companies to treat their customers like equals, regardless of what websites they are going to. If the FCC gets rid of Net Neutrality internet companies could essentially charge you extra for being a part of the /nygiants
community, if they so wanted. Every time you stream a video it could be extra money. It could be like a long distance land line phone plan but the prices are completely random and more expensive based entirely upon who you call the most. Help to keep our internet free from shitty corporations Cheeto stained dick fingers. https://www.battleforthenet.com/
On with the show.
I know you all hate the Egos more than the Shitskins. I know you all hate the Cuntboys more than the Shitstains but hear me out. It’ll only take about 30 minutes of heavy reading. I’ll give you the TL/DR right now though; FUCK WASHINGTON.
Also, since Splooshington fans will likely read this, at least the 7% who can read might, let me say this right up here too. ALL PRAISE THE MARA FAMILY. I love the hate for Mara. He’s the head of a committee, that’s about it. But the way they’ve taken the Zeke shit and the over the cap penalties and run with the narrative that Mara is a scumbag is amazing. This is coming from the franchises that are run by Jerry “I want to be Al Davis” Jones and Daniel “I want to be relevant” Snyder.
I know it was an “uncapped year” and yet the league came together with a gentlemen’s agreement. Which two teams broke that? Of fucking course, the Shitthemselves Redfins and the Drybone Cuntcheeses. Nobody else. Not even the scumbag Raiders.
So far, we, The Good Guys, are 99-67-4 over the Shitstains. Let’s get to 100.
The older I get the more I hate the Stains. Growing up they were good and people in upstate NY liked them. Nobody really liked the Eagles and only morons liked the Cowboys, which I’ve found to be universal outside of the Dallas area. An area that, in all fairness, I’ve never been to because it’s fucking Dallas. Between the Stain’s (at the very, least semi-racist) name (more on that later, I’m sure,) their owner, and their stupid coach I just continue to hate them more and more.
For me, it all started in the RG-RememberMe’s rookie season. When their fanbase ignored everything happening and convinced themselves that RememberMe was the next coming of black jesus while mostly ignoring Alfred Morris. Then the stupid assholes let Morris walk. Then they signed some bucktooth CB who goes on Rich Eisen’s morning show and proves, time and time again, that he is the least intelligent person to ever put on football pads. Which is a feat, I’ll give him that.
I am not a monster. OBJ was stupidier in that first game when they met in Carolina. But overall intelligence? It’s not even close. God damnit Norman is incapable of forming a sentence. The man is a moron.
I hate the Stains. I hate them so god damn much.
Kirk Cousins is a good QB and I can’t wait until they fuck that up and he’s on a team that isn’t horrible and Andy Dalton becomes the QB in Maryland.
Fuck FedEx as a company. Fuck that field. It’s always in disrepair. It’s never once been in good shape. Never. Why? Because the organization that runs this shit team is the shittiest organization in the world.
I know a lot of you are reading this thinking; “Man, out_of_time
is really handsome, I bet. Also, he should calm down, they aren’t the threat that the Eagles or Cowboys are.” Yeah! I know that yourstupidnamegoeshere
! That’s part of the problem. Fuck them for always being the worst part of the NFC East. We’re supposed to be the best division and for years we were. Sure, we’re a problem this year, but they’ve won the division 3 times since, 1988. THAT IS OLDER THAN MOST OF YOU!
Quit bringing us down you stupid ass holes! (But really, keep being awful, it helps keep order on the planet.) WASH OFFENSE
Okay, I don’t actually hate any of the players on Washitstain. I really loathe having to hear Norman spek because I used to play football and he’s a bad representative for anyone who has ever touched a football. This isn’t about the defense though.
We need to start with Kirk Cousins. What’s the deal with the bullshit about he and his wife loving each other? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I missed school the day we decided that was a thing. Answer this please or I won’t make it to Christmas.
But Kirk has had a pretty good little career so far. He’s really only started for the past 2 full seasons. This is his 3rd full season as a starter. Crazy right? It seems like we’ve been talking about him for years, especially if you play fantasy, but nope. He’s only started 51 games out of the 90 games he’s been in the league. I’m not going to figure out how many of those he was injured for because I don’t give a shit. I’m a little bit high right now and my girlfriend is watching the Voice.
The Voice must have the lowest opinion of the people who watch their show because their theme song is just a chorus of morons screaming “THIS IS THE VOICE!!!”
“What in the hell were we watching Margaret?” ”THIS IS THE VOICE”
“Goodness Harold, I don’t remember?” THIS IS THE VOICE”
“Is it that detective what’s it that you like to watch?” asks Harold. ”THIS IS THE VOICE”
“No, Harold, it’s not my Bones,” she says, pensively trying to force her memory to shake itself awake. ”THIS IS THE VOICE!!!!”
“Well son of a…HEY! It’s Sexiest Man in the World Blake Shelton!” ”YES, THAT IS RIGHT!!!”
“Oh yes Harold! That’s right.” They watch enraptured as the zit-faced post-teen sings flatly through a hip hop song that makes the room still with an uncomfortable fog swimming between the lover’s stunted brains. “He’s sexy because he’s the only one left.”
“What? Whose sexy?” Harold says but thinks “what the fuck are you talking about? We haven’t spoke in 5 god damn minutes and you think my brain is still with you. God damn it, I wonder whatever happened to Cheryl.”
“…because he’s the only celebrity who hasn’t sexually harassed every woman,” is all Harold hears as he finally finishes his train of thought.
“Oh right, sure,” still fully confused as to what’s happening, “it’s bad to touch women who aren’t…you know…dressed sexy or whatever.”
“That’s right,” Margaret says, giving up because it’s already too late for Harold. It’s too late for her too. Keith, her former lover, died 3 years ago and so did the last ounce of hope she was holding on to, “that’s right sweetie.” ”THIS IS THE VOICE!!!!”
And then Carson Daly comes on screen only to say; “I’M CARSON DALY AND I’M SCREAMING FOR NO REASON.” They both zone out as their thought drift to days gone by. Good days.
Days like the past 14 years, where the Giants have won all but 8 of the past 25 meetings. Days when Kirk Cousins came in for an injured RGIII and we forced 6 turnovers in 2015. Days like the past 4 times we met them, we’ve forced 7 turnovers.
Kissing Cousins…shit, I forgot that I was talking about him.
In just three years Kirk Cameron has had a higher completion percentage than any single year from Eli. He averages 27 more YPG, in his career (which equates to 432 yards a season.) He threw for 11 and 12 INTs the last two years – Eli hasn’t done that in a decade (2008) and that was the only season Eli had less than 14.
Klansman Cousman is a really good QB…unless…wait…is this a primetime game? Or a game that matters? Because if that’s the case, it’s not a problem. That wispy-haired cunt can fall apart with the best of them. He’s the Anti-Eli. He’s also pretty bad against us. Or worse than average.
22/38, 271 yards, 1 TD, 1.7 INT. That’s what he does against us. We’ve always kept him in check. Better than most. Other than prime time TV, that shit ruins him.
Their backfield is pretty stacked with
Rob Kelley, Chris Thompson, Matt Jones,
, and rookie Samaje Perine.
The Saints D has been pretty good this year. Actually, really good after week 2. And last week Perine went for 5.09 ypc, on 23 carries for 117 yards and a touchdown. He’s good. I really wanted him in last year’s draft. I mean now I hate him because he’s on Washingturd but whatever, he’s probably going to be pretty good for the 4 years he stays on this team, then even better after that. He looked really good against the Saints, at least. So he worries me.
But he doesn’t worry me that much because we’re 30th against the run. We are trending in the right direction though, we have played good against the run since…oh wait, nope. Not the case. We even weren’t that great in victory last week. Oh well. Maybe this is the week we turn it all around!
I mean they’re going to have to give Perine the ball. He’s the only option other than Byron Marshall who ended up with 10 carries for 42 yards and a catch last wee…New Years day.
Yup, the last time Marshall ran was when he was on the Eagles, playing against the Cowboys last season. Who knows what kind of player he is? Honestly, I’m asking because I have no fucking clue. I’m pretty sure that The Other White Gruden doesn’t even know.
DeSean Jackson and Pierre Garcon have been the best friend that Kirk Kennedy Kousins could have. So obviously because of WaSkins reasons, they’re gone. Instead they signed Tyrel Pryor who is hurt and wasn’t good anyway.
They have some homegrown talent at WR though with Jamison Crowder and Josh Doctson. Crowder came on really strong last year and has yet to reclaim that success. Although, he’s coming along as the season grows longer and he’s also leading the team with 39 receptions. Guess who’s behind him, as a WR. Go ahead, guess. Yes, you’re right! It sure is Ryan Grant.
What is there to like about this team? Jesus Christ. Ryan Grant? He had 19 targets last season…because they used to give Cousinsex weapons.
They still have Jordan Reed about 12% of the time and Vernon Davis all of the time.
Say what you will about Davis. Things like; he’s old, he’s probably going to breakdown at some point, he’s not as fast, he isn’t as good of a blocker, but it doesn’t matter, dude is pretty fucking cool and he can still ball out. He can ball out with his balls in.
But then again we’ve held a lot of TE’s to 0 touchdowns this year…there’s been Kelce, there was the dude from the Chiefs, last week we did it, and we also did it vs Kansas City, so we’re probably pretty set up to stop 2 pretty great TEs. Or one. Who knows. I won’t even look at the status for Reed because his body parts explode every couple of days.
The Racial’s line is finally all in place though, and for serious they’re one of the 3 best lines in the NFC East. And if you think about it, that’s what our division is becoming known for. For a long time the Cuntboys line was the talk of the league (thankfully they’re falling apart and it’s glorious.) The Eagles may have the best line in the NFL right now, or rather 2 weeks ago before JP
got hurt, but still, that line is making that team really good – or at least helping. Fuck you Egos. And now that the Shitstains line is back, they have a running game, Krib Krubbins has time and they look better.
Sure, we get it, the Skidmarks have offensive players but what about the defense of the NYFG?
Well…let me say this. We’re back baby!!!
But like, you know, not really.
Collins can play as good as anyone in the league at any time he wants. Same with Snacks, Jackrabbit, and DRC. They’ll all have to do that this week. We need our stars to burn bright to win this game. I’m not going to talk too much about the D because we all already know. We’ve watched. They can be great and yet, maddeningly, they choose not to be far too often.
OV is more important to this team than JPP. I honestly see JPP’s career going the way Osi’s went. He’ll be unceremoniously dumped off at some point. The fun thing is that I think Avery is going to develop into a really good player. Also, whoever ends up being the next GM best re-sign Dalvin after his rookie contract. That dude is going to be special. He’s quietly having an outstanding year.
We are dead last in the league with 14 sacks. It’s sad. It’s really sad. A key to the game
is getting after Kuzins. At least pressure him into infidelity. SHITSTAINS ALSO HAVE A DEFENSE
Joshy the Beaver is heading up a secondary that is 25th in the league in yardage allowed.
They’re also 19th against the run.
So basically, not a super impressive defense.
I do want to say this though, Fat Face Kerrigan is a really underrated player. I know every Sunday we all actively look forward to Clay Matthews commercials. It’s always fun to watch one of the most overrated players also be a bad actor. It’s nice that all of the players who get commercials in the league are basically white. That’s great right? Who doesn’t love a sea of white guys getting commercials from a 99% non-white league. Thankfully Cam is around and still relevant because he has a pretty smile and a shitty grasp on how to run an offense. It’s nice to know that Clay Matthews has long hair though, because otherwise we’d have to watch Kerrigan and his stupid 8th grade soccer player face doing all of those commercials. Why? Because he’s a better player.
Kerrigan has a knack for being the best player on the field when we play the Shitfucks.
They also have Zach Brown and 8 other people who (a) play defense and (b) like to put straws into each other’s assholes and suck out farts.
I’m talking about nice fat straws by the way, not little skinny ones. They like to get them way up there too.
The problem with the Rashbins defense isn’t that their horrible it’s that our offense is.
Darkwa should be able to get his 74 yards, .3 TD’s, and 2.1 kids.
Again, the Eli love is well warranted but he missed on a lot of passes this past week. Hopefully the weather will be a bit more cooperative and he’ll be able to put some shit on point.
People in the fantasy community are thinking that Norman will shadow Shepard if Shepard is available for the game. I don’t think that’s the case. I also would like to tell you that the fantasy community that I’m talking about is a community of people who I gather on my cellular telephone and they speak through blue tooth into my car. But those fantasy people are stupid. Firstly, Shep will play outside and they’ll put Norman on him, but he’ll move to the slot a lot and Norman won’t follow. Also, Norbert isn’t the player he was…for one whole season…in Carolina. He’s still very good, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not about to completely eliminate someone, especially someone who moves around a lot.
Warshingturd is allowing the 4th most points in fantasy to opposing TE’s. I fully expect Evan Engram to outgain any of our pass-catchers, no matter who is playing. They have allowed more yards and more receptions than us. Of course, we allow TE’s to score every time they touch the ball…unless we’re intercepting TE passes which is just beyond fucking stupid. Thank you Andy Reid; you stupid fatman who is knocking on death’s door with the bones from BBQ ribs.
They’ve allowed the 2nd most yards on QB runs…so you know…look for Eli Vick to really run wild. I’d say his ceiling is 12 yards. Which, considering who we’re talking about, is pretty impressive. PREDICTIONS
Okay, if you look back, I’ve talked a lot of shit about our team and I’ve predicted blow outs 2 times. Last week and Denver. So keep that in mind when I say what I’m about to say, and know that I’m a bit superstitious.
We are going to get killed. Absolutely destroyed. I’m so sure of it that I put money on us to win…because fuck money!
33-16 Redslurs. I think they win by two TD’s. Do you see how confusing this is to read? Because it’s harder to write. I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point so if you do, let me know. Also, let me know what the deal is with Kirk and Julie. I’m deadly serious about that. It’s fucking dumb and I hate it from now until kriK is on a different team. Then I’ll get on board. FANATASY IMPLICATIONS
Why do I even include these? Well first of all, I’m winning both leagues I’m in. I am the top scorer in both. I also have been to the championship game for 4 straight years in one league and 2/4 in the other. So, am I an expert? Yes, you’re god damn right I am. Matthew Berry is uglier (trust me,) older, not as funny, and I’m fairly certain I’m about 9,000 times better at fantasy football than he is. Yet he gets to be on ESPN, carried by the very talented Field Yates.
So yeah, I do this because you should all know that I’m fucking brilliant, I have good taste in players, I have a great record, I have a very nicely shaped but slightly below average penis, and my track record doesn’t speak at all so here I am, speaking on it’s behalf.
RB’s. Start both Darkwa and Perine. They’re both going to be RB2 or 3s. I think Perine will be a 2 and Darkwa will be either or. Darkwa’s problem is TDs. But I think he’ll get one and couple that with a 100 yard performance (game script dependent – but he’ll get at least 50 as a floor with 2 catches.) Perine will go for 60-120, yes, that big of a gap. He’ll get at least one touchdown. He’s their only option.
WRs are tough. If Shep plays, he’s an auto-start, but otherwise, maybe a flex for anyone else though I wouldn’t trust a single one of them myself. There is a chance for Doctson to get in 3 for 80 and TD. There’s a chance Crowder gets 5-10. But it’s all so unreliable.
QB’s. I think KKK gets into the top 12 this week while Eli will be about QB 15-18.
TE’s. Reed and Engram are must starts. If Reed doesn’t play than Davis is a must start.
Don’t start either D, if possible. FINAL THOUGHTS
Happy Thanksgiving. Christopher Columbus used to make coats and belts out of Native Americans and favored the term “redskins.” Did you know Columbus sent over two dozens Tainos back to Spain to be enslaved?
I mean, uhhh…HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! It’s a great time to be with family and friends a month before having to be with family and friends. Whey the fuck can’t one of these holidays be in the summer? Some of us are trying to marry their GFs and split trips over here. “Discover” America in June for fuck’s sake.
We do it with friends, the holiday, not the sexy stuff…but then again, who knows? Maybe some turkey and some stuffing each other is in order. Of course, I don’t eat turkey so none of this is likely.
I’m a vegan. A vegan who looks at hot dogs with lust, a vegan who dreams of a cheeseburger, a vegan who wants to throw up because turkey is fucking gross as shit. I’ve never liked it. I ate it to be polite and I may even do that tomorrow. But in all honesty, it’s gross as shit. I don’t care how good you, your mom, your wife, your husband, your friend, etc. cooks it, it’s still gross. It’s by far the worst meat on the planet.
Fuck Washingturd. I hate them worse than turkey. I don’t care if you or I are or are not offended by their name. It’s fucking batshit bananas crazy that they still use it. I don’t say the word “faggot” despite it being the most fun word every created. (Okay, I say it to my gay friend who is also a comedian and he loves it, it’s like scratching a dog behind it’s ear…I’m a pretty lucky straight guy for having a friend like that.) It’s just crazy. They can site as many polls as they want. The truth is, they’re a shit organization, with no moral compass, and they won’t change their name because, above all else, they’re too fucking stupid. They would lose no fans. They would end a useless debate. They would sell a shit ton of new merch. They would probably gain fans. But you know what? They’re too fucking stupid. They’re a pile of racist morons.
If you’re reading this as a Shit’s fan and you think you’re woke as fuck and the name is fine, you’re an idiot too. I’m not saying it would change my fandom. Louis CK is still the greatest living comedian, today. That hasn’t changed for me. 10 years ago he did some really fucked up shit that he needs to work towards fixing. He needs to make it right. That doesn’t mean I think he’s suddenly not funny. You can still root for your team and admit; “this is a little fucked up, it’s offending some people.” Not me. I’m not offended. I have one friend who is very offended though. I’m white and I hate being offended on someone else’s behalf. But having a Native American friend who fucking hates it and feels pain that his people are a cartoon logo, that’s shitty.
“But a native American drew the logo!” Yup. And the swastika is sacred in several religions
so I guess that we should all embrace that too right?
I am fully willing to admit that I hate the name because of my friend (10%) and because I hate everything about the dogshit embarrassment of a company that is the Washington Footballers (90%.) So partially it’s a troll on my part, but I’ve come to terms with that and why should I change when I’m offending literally 0% of the population by not being partial to the nickname of an irrelevant NFL team.
Dear Washington fan who is still reading and is ripe with anger. I out_of_time
am the only human on the planet who considers you a rival. The rest of the world doesn’t even think about your shit team. At least you have that. Because before right now, you were everyone’s 3rd rival. Go read the threads that happen just before the season starts. They’re on every board. Cowboys fans hate us and the Eagles, Eagles fans hate us and the Cowboys, we hate the Cowboys and Eagles and all 3 fanbases say things like; “I don’t think about the Washingturds. They’re irrelevant.” So at least you’ve got me – motherfucking you every single day.
Happy Thanksgiving! May the Washington Football team rot in 4th place of the NFCE, at least 95% of the years until I die! (Final Note: I have nothing against Washington fans, they’re fine. I pity them because I think they are rooting for an organization that will prove out to be worse than the Browns.)
Soccer Betting Guide Cowboys vs Redskins predictions 2019 from FedExField, Washington . View computer picks, betting trends, injury report and team statistics below. Picks DAL Cowboys -5.5 Point Spread-111 . Under 46.5 Game Totals -111 Redskins vs Cowboys predictions 2019 from AT&T Stadium, Dallas . View computer picks, betting trends, injury report and team statistics below. The Cowboys’ playoff hopes now hinge on their ability to beat the Redskins — and the Eagles losing to the Giants. A loss to Washington means the season is over for Dallas. With the stakes in mind, our experts preview this matchup and make their pick. When and Where: Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins. Location: FedExField (home of the Washington Redskins) Date: 9/15/19 (Sunday) Time: 1:00 pm EST Coverage: FOX Follow the Heavy on Betting NFL Preview: Washington Redskins vs Dallas Cowboys Predictions & Betting Picks November 22, 2018 by Marilee Gallagher In a tradition almost as old as the game itself, the (5-5) Dallas Cowboys are headed for their 51 st Thanksgiving game this year to take on their NFC East rival (6-4) Washington Redskins today (4.30pm ET Thursday).