21 Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For - Early Dating

I (22m) am severely struggling to get over a break-up. Any advice please?

So sorry if this is a long-winded post. About 3 months ago my girlfriend (20F) and I mutually broke up. We both kind of decided that there was no passion left in the relationship.
For a bit of background on the relationship it self. So she was my first proper girlfriend and I her second boyfriend. She had dated one other guy for a about a year and a bit but broke it off as he was emotionally abusive and demanded sex whenever and she complied (this was somewhere in her high-school days). She eventually broke it off with him but I think that relationship did a lot of damage and added on to her already bad depression. After that she had a one night stand with a foreign exchange (forex) student and (imo) pretty much fell inlove with him as he was kind to her. Fast forward about 6 months we start to date (we weren't mutually exclusive even though we slept with each other a couple of times by then (also essentially lost my virginity to her)) but she was still talking to this forex guy where I essentially asked her to break it off with him because it was causing me a lot of distress (even though she claimed they were just friends, but the guy wanted to buy her a ticket to his country for a holiday, she declined and stayed with me.) So also during this period we had our version of "spring break" where she and her friends went to a well known "spring break" location and myself and my friend to a different one. I told her I wanted to be exclusive because I don't know I would feel if she came back and hooked up with a bunch of guys. She said she wanted to not be tied down until after the break, so I agreed. But it became to much for me to think during this break (of about a week) and asked her over a call that we can be exclusive because the idea of her hooking up is ruining my break because I think really started to love her. She agreed and that was that, I thought. She came back and I asked her if she hooked up with other guys and she told me 2 people. THIS BROKE ME as I refrained from any advances girls made to me during my trip because I told her I wont. Her excuse was essentially she thought I was banging a bunch of people there because I'm a good looking guy and thus she only hooked up with 2 people. She was very apologetic and I accepted that excuse and we became completely exclusive and bf/gf.
That's how we started dating... I know, bit rocky. We dated for almost 2 years but my insecurity of her maybe cheating was always a issue for me (even though deep down I knew she wouldn't). Questioning my worth and what not. Now don't get wrong, she really could be sweet and simply struggled with lots of depression and anxiety. And I was the person always there for her. But about after a year I started to feel more and more unhappy questioning our relationship as it always felt she was rude to me and got angry at small things I did. We never had a shouting match (ever) as I would hyper-rationalize the situation (which didn't help). So after about a year into the relationship as we were about to have sex (about once every second week if lucky) and she started to cry. Now, I knew pretty much there the relationship was done, but asked her what's going on and she said she doesn't know why she started crying. I consoled her and said it's fine and we can wait for her to feel better. I don't think she stated crying because she was cheating or something rather it being her negative association with sex due her past bf of she knew then this relationship is dead. Forward 6 months nothing (barely saw her nude in that time). That's we decided to end it mutually but on good terms and would like to stay friend in the future.
Now here is my state. The timing couldn't have been worse as well, as I found out my dad was having affair, my dog starting do die, my best friends dad died of cancer and I had to start studying for board exams as well as final normal exams (and I always overthink when studying, and have been behind my desk all day since Sept). She was very sad right after the relationship ended and so was I obviously. But know it seems she is doing better than ever, made new friends and goes out (all things I tried to encourage during our time but never happened.) I deleted IG/FB but find myself going on my sibling IG purely to stalk and then I feel shit. I try to stop but because so I become so dissociative that I find myself back stalking. I have never experienced such depression and sadness for such a long period in my life as I do now. It is affecting my grades and my physical performance and I don't know how to get over her, as it seems she got over me so quickly. I feel as if I;m having/had a mental break down and have zero ambition and drive. If I stop studying I have nothing to do and if I study I become extremely anxious and depressed where I cant even comprehend a sentence.
Sorry for the super long post, I just don't know what to do and wanted to give some background. I started seeing a the psychologist but have had only 1 session so far.
Any advice?
tl;dr : Broke up with my gf and entered a severe depression anxiety state and don't know how to escape.
submitted by whyamIdoingthisman12 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

Boyfriend (21M) is lazy, does nothing, doesn't even look for jobs which is sending me (21M) and him over the edge slowly.

Hi all.
This is the 4th time I've tried to write this, and I $ you not, I've been writing for the last hour.
So I work full time, earning approx. £24k per year which is a bit over minimum wage.
My boyfriend used to have a job in another area around 100 miles away when he lived back at home however when we moved in together 5 months into the relationship he came with me.
3 month after moving in, he got a job at a local supermarket working 16hrs per week and said it's not somewhere he wants to stay forever, and it was okay for the start as he was getting plenty of overtime. Eventually he wanted to be working full time somewhere.
He has dreams and ambitions of having his own business, like a tattoo parlour, or a pub, or something like that. He has plans to travel the world and wants to do this all with me.
He does want to go to Uni, and for this he needs to resit a few of his exams which he keeps mentioning he wants to do.
Issue is, that around Feb/March 2019 he had to leave his job on medical grounds (couldn't lift heavy items anymore and this was his job).
Since then I started helping him apply for new jobs, at first he got a few interviews (video, phone and in person). The video interview he never did saying that the camera inverts the way he looks so he doesn't want to do it, the phone interviews he did all of them however he missed some as he slept through the day to stay up at night watching GoT etc., he had some in person interviews as well of which he went to one, and was unsuccessful, and since then hasn't been to one. He's had invites for a few more since but still hasn't gone to any.
I have even resorted asking my managers to put in a good work to recruitment to get him working where I am.
He really does want a full time sustainable job and is avoiding jobs such as cleaning, takeaways (McDonalds, KFC etc) which is fair enough, I don't have an issue with that.
When I say I helped him apply for jobs, I mean that I was doing all the applying for him, again which did not bother me at all at first.
It's not been 6 months going on 7 since he was unemployed. As mentioned I get around £24k per year which does leave us really short after bills, repayments on a few of my debts, food etc. is paid for. We're living from payday to payday and one month's wage will only last us 4 weeks, so the 5 week months we have to go a few days pretty much without food and rely on leftovers.
We agreed from day one of moving in to split the bills, which we initially did whilst he was working in the supermarket however eventually when things got difficult and he was stuck doing his part time contracted hours I told him I'd cover all the bills - again - didn't bother me. I see it as our money, not my money his money type of thing.
I am fortunate however that recently my parents have been paying for my shopping and also giving me some homemade food, so that's a monthly expense saved however most of that goes to the bills that I fell into arrears with (i.e. I'm in arrears with gas, electric, water, council tax, his phone bill is in arrears which I'm paying off). After all bills go out, we're left with pretty much £50-£80 emergency money (depending if TV license is due etc).
So, I'm fortunate that I'm able to keep the house afloat with the help of my parents for the nutritional aspect. The only thing food-wise I pay for is dog food as I don't want my parents to be feeding my dogs (makes me feel like a bit of a failure lol). As long as my dogs and my boyfriend are eating, I'm happy.
There's been days where we've been short on food with a day to go until the weekly shopping with my parents, I've lied to my boyfriend and said I've already eaten at work as there was a free buffet on (which work never have), just so he has the last bit of food as if I said to him I was hungry he would never agree to eat it.
Going back to the topic, it's been now 7 months since he's been unemployed. Total jobs applied for are around 100 (even though I was trying to aim for 5 jobs per day for me to apply for him, we all know that's hard whilst working full time as well).
He complains that I'm tired and want to sleep all the time, he complains that we never do anything fun, he stays up all night watching TV and playing video games whilst I'm asleep alone in bed (I don't think I've slept with him in the same bed for a few months now) with one of the dogs whilst he tends to the other.
He wants to be successful but I feel like he's honestly not doing anything about it? A few months ago I put my foot down and said that I'm not going to be helping him anymore as all the jobs I apply for there is some type of problem, and it won't feel the same because it's me doing it and not him so he won't even know what job it is if they ring him back! I told him to try and aim for 5 jobs per day. This was around 2-3 months ago I think. Since I told him this, he's probably applied for around 15-20 jobs in total (I'm thinking more around 10). When I ask him how the job hunt is going he gets defensive, saying that I'm putting him under a lot of pressure that he needs to find a job and he doesn't want any pressure.
I'm starting to think he's not the hard-working individual he proclaimed to be at the start of the relationship.
My week generally consists of waking up around 5am daily, studying the financial markets (search on Google for Forex) until around 7am. Then I start work between 8am-12pm and finish between 4pm-8pm depending on the shift I'm on (it's 7 hour shifts). After I get home, I do tend to carry on studying, reading books, researching on the financial markets as this is what I aspire to be in the future (a full time private currency trader).
He knows all this and sees me working all the time and he says that I work hard and he's proud of me however it makes me feel selfish, and guilty in fact, that I don't feel the same back to him? I've told him even if he volunteered somewhere that's a start as at least he wouldn't be home all day.
He suffers with some mental health issues and so do I in fact. Mine are financially related, struggling to provide for my own household sends me under. We used to have a car and went for daily adventures when things were good. We both miss this.
I miss him.
Again... I'm going off of topic!!! Let's get back to the job situation. He had one response from a job application around a week ago that gave him an in person interview after a successful telephone interview however they withdrew the a few days before his in person interview. I told him not to worry and that there was going to plenty more, he didn't sound too bothered by it but I do think he was upset as he liked the sound of the job.
I want him to get a job and I sometimes feel like grabbing his head and shaking it to put it right lol! I don't want him to feel under pressure but at the same time I want him to understand that he needs to find one as we're relying on other people for essentials at the minute. He wants a good life and I want to be able to start saving money so I can start my Forex trading career as well eventually.
That's the money side of things.
The other side of things is the emotional side. He's deteriorating emotionally and he won't accept this. He's losing the plot and I've told him this. He'll go angry over the smallest things. For example if I was to accidentally slam the door shut (i.e. put more force onto it when not needed because I'm thinking the window is shut when it's open) he'll comment on it. He never used to do this. Same door, same window. He won't leave the house for weeks at times. I have to force him to sometimes. When he wants something (i.e. a snack or a soft-drink) he'll ask me to go across the road (literally 10 steps away) to get it. Leaving it my choice to decide what he eats and drinks. When I tell him he should go and get some fresh air at the same time, he doesn't want to as he's not confident in his own body (he tans, and I've told him not to put as much on whilst we can't afford to buy new ones whenever he needs it, more-so when we can). He'll get a bit annoyed over small things like the pillow on the sofa not being in the right place after I've sat on it and just got off - or if I was in a rush in the morning and left the ironing board out, or had not done the bed up or accidentally left the foot towel on the floor without moving it onto the radiator after I've had a shower. He'll wake up around 4-5-6pm, and then complain that I don't see him or speak to him when I get home and go back to studying and reading what I am doing, even though I'm sat right next to him. I tend to try and sleep as late as I can so I can at least get some time with him even if it's 30-45 mins. Sometimes this is as late as 1:30am, of which you can understand if I wake up at 5am including weekends I'm getting lack of sleep, but I'm used to it so it doesn't bother me really.
All I want is for him to be happy, and for him not to go insane. Even right now, the last time he left the house was.... I can't remember. Perhaps weekend before last weekend when he walked the dog (which I had to practically force him to do).
Props to him he does do most of the housework. He hoovers the most, does the dishes the most, does the washing up the most, lets the dogs out to the toilet the most. I do the money-making, feeding the dogs, the cooking and the ironing. But these aren't limited, we can swap or one of us can do it all one time at the agreement the other will do it all or whatever surplus there was next time.
He's getting settled for this life, a life that we're both not used to but he's settling for it. And I don't want him to. It's killing him on the inside.
I've even tried to explain that if we ever have an unexpected bill, god forbid, how will we afford it? I've sold everything in the house that I could possibly sell to make some extra money. We've literally got a TV, sofa, Xbox, bed, kitchen appliances and two laptops (one that I do my studies one and the other that used to be my brother's that he [boyfriend] uses to play games and watch Netflix - doesn't use to apply for jobs as doesn't have Word on it for CV which is fair enough). I leave my laptop at home all day and have everything logged on for him overnight so he can apply for jobs either whilst he's awake whilst I'm asleep or whilst I'm at work.
So my question/advice is... how should I motivate him to apply for jobs, how should I go about it whilst keeping into account everything that he doesn't want to feel (under pressure etc.)? How do I explain to him that it will actually give us a better life that we're both used to? How can I explain to him that without him having a job, all of our plans, our ambitions, our goals, our travelling will never happen?
Please, if anything else needs explaining or I've not covered anything do not hesitate to ask. I do not take offence to anything whatsoever.
Thank you guys in advance, I hope some ideas can come to light for myself and anyone else in my situation.
Best regards,
submitted by stayinganonymous17 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

I[23F] am concerned that my [27M] boyfriend of 8 years has a video game addiction

I've been with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old, we met online through a video game and fell in love, met in person a year later and have been inseparable ever since. We have a freakishly good relationship most of the time - we are 100% open and honest with each other, have no secrets, are very physically and verbally affectionate and even after 8 years everyone who meets us assumes we're a 'new couple' because we're always cuddling and holding hands in public.
But the entirety of our relationship there has been one single huge point of contention between us: video games. I myself have always been a huge gamer, I've played them (a lot of them!) since I was young and continue to play to this day. I met my boyfriend while I was playing one and I've introduced him to lots of games over the years (which I've come to regret).
At first I was happy to be in a relationship with a fellow gamer, because it's an extra bonding experience you can share. We have tried lots of games together and often have fun.
But video games have always been a 'vice' for me - something I do to have fun, but also something I don't consider a 'good use of time'. I often feel guilty for playing a video game for more than a few hours or more than a few days in a row.
Conversely, my boyfriend LOVES video games and they are his only hobby. He would play them from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep if he could (as in, if I weren't around).
I'm a writer and an artist and interested in all kinds of things in life. I'm big on spiritual growth and reflecting on life and trying to make the world a better place. I get very uncomfortable when people (including myself) spend a lot of time doing things like watching TV and playing games and don't balance that out with a more productive hobby as well, so it's been an issue between us.
For the last eight years, my boyfriend has been playing video games almost every day, for hours. For 6 and a half of those years he didn't have a 'normal' job, and for 4 of those years his job was playing video games professionally (he made money from winning game tournaments and sponsorships). He has no other hobbies at all. Except 'me'. That's what he has always told me. That I'm his 'main hobby'. I always told him that I was a person, not a hobby, and it shouldn't count, and that I had my own varied hobbies and he should have his, but it is what it is.
We have had so, so many fights over the years about him playing too many video games and not balancing it out with doing anything 'productive' (I consider productive things skills or talents that you, through time and work, improve at and carry with you through life, or things that make the world a better place). For over two years he had no job, no car and lived at my parent's house with me, playing video games all day every day. We got into lots of fights and nearly broke up. I gave him an ultimatum: "if you can't go without playing a game for an entire week, we're breaking up."
I really didn't think he could do it. And I'm sad for myself, and for him, that the idea of him not playing one game for a week would seem so outlandish and impossible.
He did do it, though, and for a while I was happy. I was so proud of him! A whole week without games! He dabbled in the Forex market and seemed like a whole new person. Without video games taking up all of his considerable intellect and attention, he was looking into other things to do with his time. Things that could have an effect in a positive way on his life, and even on mine.
Of course, it didn't last. A few weeks later he was back to gaming regularly, but I couldn't 'say anything', because he had done what I asked.
Skip forward a year. He got a job, a 'normal job', for the first time since I'd known him. I thought this would solve all our problems. For the first time he'd be 'doing something productive'! He could play all the video games he liked, because his days were spent being productive. Our agreement was that he would work (I had been working the previous six months) and I would be a housewife of sorts, so that I could be at home and focus on writing my novel.
It's been over a year now and things have disintegrated a bit. He was working full-time but recently cut back on his hours. He told me that he was doing it so that he could spend more time with me. Sure, money would be tight - really tight - but it would be worth it because we would get to spend time together.
But when he wakes up, he wants to play video games. If I tell him no, I want to hang out, he makes me feel like a bad guy. If I don't have any 'good ideas' for what we should do that moment, he tells me he doesn't want to wait around for me to think and starts playing a game (these games often take up to 50 minutes, which means I have to wait for an hour before I'm allowed to speak to him again - because I get yelled at if I try to talk to him while he's playing).
It's so hard to explain to you guys what my life is like right now. I love him and love spending time with him, with his attention on me. But when he wakes up, he wants to play games, not spend time with me. Often I can convince him to go the park or something with me (I love being outdoors and he doesn't) but it literally takes convincing. I feel like I have to write a speech on all the reasons he should hang out with me instead of play the game he plays every day for hours.
And then when he spends a precious three hours of his day off going out with me, he acts as if he 'put in his time' with me and wants to play games the rest of the time. If we're awake 16 hours a day, and you subtract 3 from the time we go out and 3 from the other hours I begged attention from him, that means he thinks that spending, let's say, 10 hours a day playing games is an acceptable girlfriend-hobby balance.
He is at work 8 hours a day 3-4 days a week and on those days he still plays hours and hours of games, so yes, I do enjoy spending time with him when I can. He doesn't seem to understand.
The past week I've been trying to communicate openly with him that I feel I have to compete with video games for his attention, and that I feel like I'm being a disruption by asking him to get off his computer and spend time with me. I've told him that every day but he always ignores me or starts yelling at me about some unrelated thing. I told him that we can talk about the things I do that bother him as well, but I'd like to discuss the subject I brought up first so that we can come up with a solution, but he won't have it.
Today I broke down into tears trying to tell him how I felt. I very rarely cry so it was a pretty big deal. He had to know how much this issue was effecting me when I was sitting there on the floor bawling my eyes out and trying to explain how hurt and worthless I feel that I have to fight a video game for my boyfriend's attention.
He literally didn't say a word to me. He ignored me, a foot away, while I sobbed loudly, just browsing his computer, and then when it was time for him to go to work he left without even saying goodbye. I bared every vulnerable feeling I had to him, which is difficult for me to do, something he knows, and he couldn't respect me enough to say a thing.
He works nightshift and gets home around midnight. I stay up til 1 or 2 and then go to bed, at which point he gets on his game and plays until 5-6am. This means he wakes up late, 12pm-1pm, and since he works at 5pm and he doesn't like to 'do things' right after he wakes up, we rarely get to do anything that takes less than an hour or two. I always feel rushed. It affects the way we live our lives.
I've been grappling with this video game issue for years. But he's never been so cold to me before. Recently we've been trying to have a baby and this whole thing has terrified me.
There's so many things I haven't said that I feel are relevant to the issue, but I've gone on so long, too long. I'm sorry. I just have no one I'm comfortable talking to about this issue and I feel so desperate. I know he would never admit he has a video game addiction but is it possible? I know he loves me more than any person in the world but he still persists with spending most of his time gaming, no matter how badly it hurts me. He won't speak of playing less.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm more than willing to admit I have my own problems, and I'm happy to try to address things on my end, but I just don't know how to start.
my boyfriend has always played way too many video games, even from my perspective as a 'hardcore gamer', and lately i feel that my presence is an inconvenience to his game playing and that he resents me for it. i think he has an addiction because he won't admit there is a problem and it is negatively affecting our lives and my emotional well-being. please help me make our lives better for both of us.
submitted by isitanaddiction to relationships [link] [comments]

i left my boyfriend, this is why. Girlfriend BRUTALLY Cheats on and Dumps Boyfriend for Millionaire! I LEFT MY BOYFRIEND A LITTLE SURPRISE! *HE WAS HEATED* SUGAR MUMMY ALMOST KILLED THE BOYFRIEND MY CRAZY BEST FRIEND LEFT ME FOR HER NEW BOYFRIEND! - Roblox Roleplay

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i left my boyfriend, this is why.

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